In 1996 Rachael and I were married. We had no money no job and really no where to call home. Our parents supported us but really didn't think we should get married. I did however enlisted in the Air Force. To be perfectly honest I needed a job and I did not want to work in the towns factory and get stuck there. I had already worked there two summers and it sucked. I So I was to leave three months after we were married for basic training.
Before I left for basic I looked for work. Although we had no rent (three church families let us house sit for them while they were on vacation for a month each) we still needed to eat. Rachael got a job and I pulled weeds for money and I drove with my uncle as a pilot driver for a trucking company. As I said before, Rachael could not hold down a job and within about 3-4weeks found a reason to quit. Nothing bad really happened during this time. She did have some lonely days but over all not bad.
After basic, I got orders to Japan. Rachael was scared but willing to go. After we got to Japan, (well I went first she had a problem with her passport, it got "lost in the system" and she arrived almost three months after I got there). Anyways, we started right away with traveling throughout Japan. We had a ton of fun. She got a job flipping burgers on base, again for a short time before she quit. Then, she went to work at the toy store on base. She quit there but for good reason. She was hand picked by the owner of a private school house off base, and with no degree, went to work as an English teacher. It was the perfect job. She got paid more than I did and it was under the table. She played board games, sang songs, etc. and worked about 20hrs per week. We had made a really good Japanese friend. I was working nights but because her hours were not far off of mine we were always together. We even played racquetball and basketball at 2 in the morning on my days off. Everything was going perfect.
Rachael and I really wanted to have kids but were not able to. We hadn't really tried to but never stopped it. After seeing a doctor Rachael was tested for STD and to have her "girl parts" checked out" and found that she had scare tissue from previous sexual contact. She had the scare tissue removed and was put on clomid (a fertility drug that I don't know how to spell) to help get her pregnant. Well we had a lot of fun trying since the doctor said we had to do it at least 10 days in a row during "calculated" times of the month. Again, everything was going great.
After three months of trying with no success, Rachael got a little discouraged. That's when the bombshell hit, and I mean bad. I came home one day with Rachael passed out and two empty bottles of Tylenol and...well I forget what she drank. I called 911 and got her to the hospital where she got her stomach pumped. Though they got it all out, her body had absorbed a lot. The doctors thought she was going to lose her liver. A few days in the hospital and she was released. For the next few months or so Rachael was in and out of the hospital for attempted suicide 4-5 times.
I have to back track a little...Getting back to the STD...I knew that we had only been with each other and I did not understand how she could have had an STD. She really didn't know how either. I started thinking of who she may have been with but that only lasted a short time. I thought about our wedding night and all the events up to then as well as looking back on some of the signs I may have missed. It kinda started making a little since. On our wedding night (we had a very cheesy honeymoon, it was the towns hotel. That was paid for by my cheap @$$ step dad) we decided to watch a movie, planet of the apes. Why that movie I don't know but that's what we watched. Anyways, that in some way, was a trigger. One of many bad nights to come. We didn't even have sex that night.
Anyways, Rachael started to have nightmares, pretty bad ones. I couldn't really make since of any of them. All I know is things were not right with her. I was having a really hard time understanding why she was trying to kill herself. And was this really happening again...and again...and again. So many times in a month, in two months, three. Did she really want to die? Was she crying out for help? Was she trying to escape something? Was she trying to forget? Something she was remembering? There were so many questions and I did not have a single answer for any of them. All I knew was she was trying to kill herself and I had nowhere to turn. I was overseas and had no family, a few friends but they didn't even know what to do. Still no Internet and doctors didn't have a "magic pill" to cure the problem. There was really only one thing I could do, and sometimes that is all it takes. That one thing I could do/did was just be there for her and support her. I never judged her or made her feel like she was any less of a person. I am a man and men are supposed to fix things when they are broken. My wife was broken and I could not fix her. I felt so horrible that I couldn't. Looking back on it I realized that I was fixing her. I walked with her and stood by her side until she was able to pull out of the funk she was in. When she did it again, I just did the same thing as before. Always, stay as strong as you can and know when to ask for help. That is something I am still learning to do.
We ended up leaving Japan. The base did not have the capability to take care of her so we were sent to the base of our choice. Because there was a few family members, we decided to go to Tacoma, WA. Before we would reach WA, we made a pit stop in Hawaii for medical treatment in one of the biggest military hospitals in the world.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Why the change?
Now I will try to stay in the order that the events happened but there are so many and such a long range I know I will jump around so please bare with me.
During the years 1995-1996 many things had been happening in our relationship. More dating, dances, cross country and track meets, friends...you know the high school stuff. Well along with all this stuff there also came more "fun times". Pretty much whenever we could fool around we would. Sounds fun huh? Well it was of course. But things started changing for the bad as well. My wife (still girlfriend) stared having really hard times. She started acting different. She started to pull away from me. She even tried breaking up with me. She tried every excuse in the book of why she had to break up with me. She even said she didn't love me anymore but I saw right through that lie. These were some of the early signs of mental health disorders. No remember this is in the mid 90's so there was not a lot of knowledge even from the doctors. There wasn't anything on the internet since it was only a few years in the making. She had started to be mean to me and I even considered breaking up with her. She was beginning to run away from home, skip school and she could barely hold down her summer job. Now many people would have taken off by now but there was (and still is) something about her that I just absolutely love. so I stuck around. Now some of this is a blur, again it was 18-20 years ago, but she ended up in the hospital a couple of times. One of the most scariest times was when she left school early and I could not find her. I was very worried about her. We didn't have cell phones only CEO's had them. So I decided skip school and try to find her. I ran to all the places I could think of on the way to my house. With no luck I finally got to my house where I found her in my closet barely awake. Next to her was an empty bottle of Tylenol and water. She had taken the entire bottle. I was scared out of my mind. the only thing I could think of was get her to throw it up. I drug her to the bathroom and stuck my finger down her throat as far as I could. I got her to throw up some of it but she was fighting me and fighting not throwing it up. Within about 5 min my Mom came home. I immediately told her to call 911. The door hadn't even closed when I yelled it.
I called Rachael's (my wife) parents to let them know what had happened and that she was on her way to the hospital. After she had gotten to the hospital, they pumped her stomach to get all the pills out. I started thinking back on why this had happened? What had I done? what could have changed? In reality and looking back on everything, I am not sure there really was anything I could have done. There were many warning signs. I didn't know it at the time but there were many. There were times where she didn't want to run which she loved to do. She tried breaking up with me, running away etc. I never picked up on it. I didn't know to look for things. What could I have done differently? when she tried to break up with me all I did was talk her in out of it. I never clued in. I could have done more to prevent what was to come. but then again would it have? Well it happened again a little different. Again, the signs they were the same but again I did not know about "the signs of suicide" or to look for them. Truth is I used to blame myself for what happened. Maybe if I hadn't showed up at all she would have not done this. If I were never in the picture she would have been fine and lived a healthy life. I know her Dad that it was all my fault. Shoot for almost 15 years I blamed myself. I always thought that I could have done more. I could have done things differently. I could have been there more. The list goes on and on. it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that I cannot blame myself. I can't even blame Rachael.
There are a couple of things that you have to remember; 1) It is not your fault, no matter how much you think it could be. Especially when you have no idea what you are doing or what is going on in their heads. They don't even know once they get in that frame of mind. 2) Sure there are always steps that you could have taken. There are always things that you could have done differently. Things that would have could have. You can only do what You think is the best thing to at the time the stuff is hitting the fan. When you are in the heat of the moment all you can do is react. So don't be hard on yourself when you think back on what could have been done better. It will eat you alive, trust me.
There are many things that you can try to do when you see the signs that I mentioned earlier. Each person is different and has different signs. As a family member or a friend, the first thing you have to do is know the person well enough to know the signs. First thing to do is get your nose out of your phone and look around you. I don't mean to be rude but we are so focused on what is in our phones that we forget to live life and actually be with our friends and family. Anyone can fake being happy on the phone, facebook or whatever. Look further than that. If you miss a sign or two and something happens, you can't beat yourself up. Sometimes, as bad as it seems, it is what it is and it is going to happened. Be sad just don't blame yourself. It is much deeper than you missing a sign.
During the years 1995-1996 many things had been happening in our relationship. More dating, dances, cross country and track meets, friends...you know the high school stuff. Well along with all this stuff there also came more "fun times". Pretty much whenever we could fool around we would. Sounds fun huh? Well it was of course. But things started changing for the bad as well. My wife (still girlfriend) stared having really hard times. She started acting different. She started to pull away from me. She even tried breaking up with me. She tried every excuse in the book of why she had to break up with me. She even said she didn't love me anymore but I saw right through that lie. These were some of the early signs of mental health disorders. No remember this is in the mid 90's so there was not a lot of knowledge even from the doctors. There wasn't anything on the internet since it was only a few years in the making. She had started to be mean to me and I even considered breaking up with her. She was beginning to run away from home, skip school and she could barely hold down her summer job. Now many people would have taken off by now but there was (and still is) something about her that I just absolutely love. so I stuck around. Now some of this is a blur, again it was 18-20 years ago, but she ended up in the hospital a couple of times. One of the most scariest times was when she left school early and I could not find her. I was very worried about her. We didn't have cell phones only CEO's had them. So I decided skip school and try to find her. I ran to all the places I could think of on the way to my house. With no luck I finally got to my house where I found her in my closet barely awake. Next to her was an empty bottle of Tylenol and water. She had taken the entire bottle. I was scared out of my mind. the only thing I could think of was get her to throw it up. I drug her to the bathroom and stuck my finger down her throat as far as I could. I got her to throw up some of it but she was fighting me and fighting not throwing it up. Within about 5 min my Mom came home. I immediately told her to call 911. The door hadn't even closed when I yelled it.
I called Rachael's (my wife) parents to let them know what had happened and that she was on her way to the hospital. After she had gotten to the hospital, they pumped her stomach to get all the pills out. I started thinking back on why this had happened? What had I done? what could have changed? In reality and looking back on everything, I am not sure there really was anything I could have done. There were many warning signs. I didn't know it at the time but there were many. There were times where she didn't want to run which she loved to do. She tried breaking up with me, running away etc. I never picked up on it. I didn't know to look for things. What could I have done differently? when she tried to break up with me all I did was talk her in out of it. I never clued in. I could have done more to prevent what was to come. but then again would it have? Well it happened again a little different. Again, the signs they were the same but again I did not know about "the signs of suicide" or to look for them. Truth is I used to blame myself for what happened. Maybe if I hadn't showed up at all she would have not done this. If I were never in the picture she would have been fine and lived a healthy life. I know her Dad that it was all my fault. Shoot for almost 15 years I blamed myself. I always thought that I could have done more. I could have done things differently. I could have been there more. The list goes on and on. it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that I cannot blame myself. I can't even blame Rachael.
There are a couple of things that you have to remember; 1) It is not your fault, no matter how much you think it could be. Especially when you have no idea what you are doing or what is going on in their heads. They don't even know once they get in that frame of mind. 2) Sure there are always steps that you could have taken. There are always things that you could have done differently. Things that would have could have. You can only do what You think is the best thing to at the time the stuff is hitting the fan. When you are in the heat of the moment all you can do is react. So don't be hard on yourself when you think back on what could have been done better. It will eat you alive, trust me.
There are many things that you can try to do when you see the signs that I mentioned earlier. Each person is different and has different signs. As a family member or a friend, the first thing you have to do is know the person well enough to know the signs. First thing to do is get your nose out of your phone and look around you. I don't mean to be rude but we are so focused on what is in our phones that we forget to live life and actually be with our friends and family. Anyone can fake being happy on the phone, facebook or whatever. Look further than that. If you miss a sign or two and something happens, you can't beat yourself up. Sometimes, as bad as it seems, it is what it is and it is going to happened. Be sad just don't blame yourself. It is much deeper than you missing a sign.
Introduction, the meeting and the begining of a life long struggle
If you have a family member with a mental disorder you are not alone. The purpose of my blog is to let others know that there are things you can do as a loved one. You are one of millions who deal with it every day. It is not easy. Saying that it is hard can, on some days be an understatement. I will not lie to you, I am not even sure how I have done it. Mainly because my wife is my best friend and the most fun person to be around during the good times. I am not a doctor, a nurse, a councilor, etc. and I sure as hell am not a writer. I have however, been exposed to many different mental health issues over the last 20 years with many more to follow. My wife of 18yrs as of Jun 2014, has been struggling with one mental health issue after another. I hope through my life story and what I have been through can help others that are finding themselves struggling. I hope to help shed some light, knowledge/experience so that others may find ways to cope or to help their loved ones get the help they need. Even if the person with the illness is not a spouse, Hell even a co-worker, I hope that with this blog you can find guidance or ideas or even get a better understanding of what they are going through and how you can help.
In 1994 I met my future wife on a school bus in high school coming home from a cross country meet. She was one of the last runners on the bus and was the new girl (she was a military brat and had just moved to the area/school). Since no one knew her and didn't let her sit anywhere I said she could sit with me. We talked a lot since it was a long ride. Even though we had just met we got to know each other quite well. We were both pretty shy, maybe that is why we didn't say anything when our butts touched several times. At the end of the night/ride we said goodbye to each other and went on home. We saw each other just about every day and said hi. We attended a meeting together for Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA)and at the end of the meeting she started to walk home. It was dark and late so I couldn't let her walk so I drove her home...oh yeah I didn't have my license. I started waiting by my lockers longer just to see her. Little did I know she changed her "route" so she could walk by my locker every day so she could see me. Well one day I finally asked her out on a date. It really wasn't much of a date. She wrote for the school newspaper and had to cover the basketball game. I asked if I could join her. I paid her way and got her a soda (which she took one drink from and left the rest and I still tease her about it). So I guess you could say we were on a date. Oh and we sat next to a NFL full back so that was another highlight. Since I was the President of FCA I asked him to be a guest speaker at our next meeting. He said sure but something about playing in the NFL kept him pretty busy. Anyways, after a few more days and talking a little more I asked her out again in a cheesy way. I said "people are asking if we are going out. I don't answer them." she said "yeah they ask me too." I replied with "you can tell them yes if you want to?" So there we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We/I had many cheesy lines to come...our first time holding hands we were walking down a street at night with no street lights. I said I was scared and I needed her to hold my hand so I wouldn't be scared anymore. As cheesy as it was it worked. I even told her she had something on her butt and I needed to brush it off, that worked too. What a nice runners butt she had. Everything was going great. We never argued. We got along very well and never got tired of each other.
I know you are trying to figure out when the mental health comes into play. Well it's on the way...little did I know I would be a trigger (something like a smell, an action, or a sound that sets off mental reminders that make the person react in a specific manner depending on the trigger and the mental health disorder). Turns out she was sexually abused and when we started kissing and "fooling around" (which would eventually lead to sex later on), that started the problems. Now I know it wasn't necessarily me, it could have been whoever she ended up with, but I set off the trigger that would affect the rest of our lives.
As I said before each trigger, each illness and each reaction can/will differ on each person. There are so many variables that come into play. So please take all this into consideration when you try to help someone. PLEASE do not blame me or come back at me if you try something and it doesn't help or makes it worse. Always consult a professional first. Things that I mention on this blog has helped me and I just hope it gives you tools to help you as well as giving you the relief that you are not alone.
In 1994 I met my future wife on a school bus in high school coming home from a cross country meet. She was one of the last runners on the bus and was the new girl (she was a military brat and had just moved to the area/school). Since no one knew her and didn't let her sit anywhere I said she could sit with me. We talked a lot since it was a long ride. Even though we had just met we got to know each other quite well. We were both pretty shy, maybe that is why we didn't say anything when our butts touched several times. At the end of the night/ride we said goodbye to each other and went on home. We saw each other just about every day and said hi. We attended a meeting together for Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA)and at the end of the meeting she started to walk home. It was dark and late so I couldn't let her walk so I drove her home...oh yeah I didn't have my license. I started waiting by my lockers longer just to see her. Little did I know she changed her "route" so she could walk by my locker every day so she could see me. Well one day I finally asked her out on a date. It really wasn't much of a date. She wrote for the school newspaper and had to cover the basketball game. I asked if I could join her. I paid her way and got her a soda (which she took one drink from and left the rest and I still tease her about it). So I guess you could say we were on a date. Oh and we sat next to a NFL full back so that was another highlight. Since I was the President of FCA I asked him to be a guest speaker at our next meeting. He said sure but something about playing in the NFL kept him pretty busy. Anyways, after a few more days and talking a little more I asked her out again in a cheesy way. I said "people are asking if we are going out. I don't answer them." she said "yeah they ask me too." I replied with "you can tell them yes if you want to?" So there we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We/I had many cheesy lines to come...our first time holding hands we were walking down a street at night with no street lights. I said I was scared and I needed her to hold my hand so I wouldn't be scared anymore. As cheesy as it was it worked. I even told her she had something on her butt and I needed to brush it off, that worked too. What a nice runners butt she had. Everything was going great. We never argued. We got along very well and never got tired of each other.
I know you are trying to figure out when the mental health comes into play. Well it's on the way...little did I know I would be a trigger (something like a smell, an action, or a sound that sets off mental reminders that make the person react in a specific manner depending on the trigger and the mental health disorder). Turns out she was sexually abused and when we started kissing and "fooling around" (which would eventually lead to sex later on), that started the problems. Now I know it wasn't necessarily me, it could have been whoever she ended up with, but I set off the trigger that would affect the rest of our lives.
As I said before each trigger, each illness and each reaction can/will differ on each person. There are so many variables that come into play. So please take all this into consideration when you try to help someone. PLEASE do not blame me or come back at me if you try something and it doesn't help or makes it worse. Always consult a professional first. Things that I mention on this blog has helped me and I just hope it gives you tools to help you as well as giving you the relief that you are not alone.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)