Now I will try to stay in the order that the events happened but there are so many and such a long range I know I will jump around so please bare with me.
During the years 1995-1996 many things had been happening in our relationship. More dating, dances, cross country and track meets, friends...you know the high school stuff. Well along with all this stuff there also came more "fun times". Pretty much whenever we could fool around we would. Sounds fun huh? Well it was of course. But things started changing for the bad as well. My wife (still girlfriend) stared having really hard times. She started acting different. She started to pull away from me. She even tried breaking up with me. She tried every excuse in the book of why she had to break up with me. She even said she didn't love me anymore but I saw right through that lie. These were some of the early signs of mental health disorders. No remember this is in the mid 90's so there was not a lot of knowledge even from the doctors. There wasn't anything on the internet since it was only a few years in the making. She had started to be mean to me and I even considered breaking up with her. She was beginning to run away from home, skip school and she could barely hold down her summer job. Now many people would have taken off by now but there was (and still is) something about her that I just absolutely love. so I stuck around. Now some of this is a blur, again it was 18-20 years ago, but she ended up in the hospital a couple of times. One of the most scariest times was when she left school early and I could not find her. I was very worried about her. We didn't have cell phones only CEO's had them. So I decided skip school and try to find her. I ran to all the places I could think of on the way to my house. With no luck I finally got to my house where I found her in my closet barely awake. Next to her was an empty bottle of Tylenol and water. She had taken the entire bottle. I was scared out of my mind. the only thing I could think of was get her to throw it up. I drug her to the bathroom and stuck my finger down her throat as far as I could. I got her to throw up some of it but she was fighting me and fighting not throwing it up. Within about 5 min my Mom came home. I immediately told her to call 911. The door hadn't even closed when I yelled it.
I called Rachael's (my wife) parents to let them know what had happened and that she was on her way to the hospital. After she had gotten to the hospital, they pumped her stomach to get all the pills out. I started thinking back on why this had happened? What had I done? what could have changed? In reality and looking back on everything, I am not sure there really was anything I could have done. There were many warning signs. I didn't know it at the time but there were many. There were times where she didn't want to run which she loved to do. She tried breaking up with me, running away etc. I never picked up on it. I didn't know to look for things. What could I have done differently? when she tried to break up with me all I did was talk her in out of it. I never clued in. I could have done more to prevent what was to come. but then again would it have? Well it happened again a little different. Again, the signs they were the same but again I did not know about "the signs of suicide" or to look for them. Truth is I used to blame myself for what happened. Maybe if I hadn't showed up at all she would have not done this. If I were never in the picture she would have been fine and lived a healthy life. I know her Dad that it was all my fault. Shoot for almost 15 years I blamed myself. I always thought that I could have done more. I could have done things differently. I could have been there more. The list goes on and on. it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that I cannot blame myself. I can't even blame Rachael.
There are a couple of things that you have to remember; 1) It is not your fault, no matter how much you think it could be. Especially when you have no idea what you are doing or what is going on in their heads. They don't even know once they get in that frame of mind. 2) Sure there are always steps that you could have taken. There are always things that you could have done differently. Things that would have could have. You can only do what You think is the best thing to at the time the stuff is hitting the fan. When you are in the heat of the moment all you can do is react. So don't be hard on yourself when you think back on what could have been done better. It will eat you alive, trust me.
There are many things that you can try to do when you see the signs that I mentioned earlier. Each person is different and has different signs. As a family member or a friend, the first thing you have to do is know the person well enough to know the signs. First thing to do is get your nose out of your phone and look around you. I don't mean to be rude but we are so focused on what is in our phones that we forget to live life and actually be with our friends and family. Anyone can fake being happy on the phone, facebook or whatever. Look further than that. If you miss a sign or two and something happens, you can't beat yourself up. Sometimes, as bad as it seems, it is what it is and it is going to happened. Be sad just don't blame yourself. It is much deeper than you missing a sign.
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