I will now start transitioning from "story telling" to certain events. I am not sure as how the timeline will work so it may jump around a little...
Rachael and I finally made it to my next duty assignment. We have met with family members and told them what had been going on. To say the least they were very shocked at what had been going happening. They were there to support in every way they could but really had no idea how to, to be honest neither did I.
For the next few months Rachael went through many "tests" trying to figure stuff out. She had even been to several psychologists and counselors. She would stay with one for a visit or two and then something would be said that she didn't like and she was gone. She would literally walk out in the middle of the session. I have to say I was really getting irritated when she left. I just could not understand why she was so angry. She was getting mad when one of the counselors would diagnose her. She would say things like "how the hell would she know what's wrong? She/He just met me." or "I didn't like her/him so I left" I just didn't get it. How the hell are you supposed to get better if you keep walking out just because you didn't like what she had to say. After all they were only trying to help. There were a few times I was so mad that I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to shake her (you know almost like to shake some sense into someone). I never did. I had to come up with a way to calm her and myself. I slowly realized that this was part of her mental state. We didn't know it then but one of the symptoms/behaviors was to "punish" yourself so anything that would help her she wanted nothing to do with it.
Rachael was diagnosed with Borderline personality, Bipolar, manic depression, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) were some of the few things she was told. She did not believe any of it. I am not sure what she thought. I guess she was just in denial. Almost as if none of these things could possibly be her.
When someone (at least in my experience) has a mental illness the person thinks that it is everyone else around them. In other words she is fine and no one knows what they are talking about. The biggest thing that I have found is that if the person doesn't want to help themselves then there is nothing we can do. This is where we where at. Rachael knew that there was something wrong and she did not have any "disease" that she didn't want to have. All the diagnoses were wrong and so were the people who gave her that diagnoses. She was ok with depression and PTSD just nothing else, and she definitely was not ok with anyone telling her otherwise. I think maybe because of the "status" that people who have mental illness were given she didn't want to have anything. How would people treat her or what would they think about her. We would find out later that she was treated different and was "labeled". People did treat her different. They even talked to her differently.
So what helped? Talking, talking and more talking. You have to show your patience in this. Patience the key. If you don't have any you better find some quick. Also thick skin. Many of these illnesses make the person verbally hurt the ones they love. The loved one becomes the target. They (the one with the illness) don't mean to it just happens. They don't think they deserve you and so they will give you reasons to leave. Stand strong because once that feeling is gone they will be thankful you are still there. Sorry that will be for another day.
Let's get back to getting her therapy and sticking with it. I had mentioned talking. Together you have to talk so you can understand what is going on and how you can keep them in therapy. Most important thing, talk to them on the good day, on the "up" side of their "mood". Set boundaries and limits. Set the guidelines so that every party is aware of what is expected. This worked wonders for me. Unfortunately I didn't know this for many years to come and could have saved much heartache. Let them know that it is ok to be diagnosed with something. Rachael had to be willing to let someone help her otherwise nothing would get better. It also would help the Dr.'s with the right medications. We went through so many medications it was ridiculous. Some made her worse and others did nothing. Also practice the patience. When Rachael used to be so mean trying to hurt me (she was really trying to hurt herself by doing this as I said before) I had to learn to let the words fall off me like the rain. There were and still are many times she would say something and later on when we would talk about she would have no clue what I was talking about. It is very easy to fall into the "game" and retaliate but this only makes things worse. Take a step back catch your breath and step back in when you are good. Once the "episode" is finished, tell them that you are not mad and do something with them. Something that will change the mood and you may even enjoy. This worked several times for me. Reassure them that everything is and will be ok. You can do this find the good times and think about them. Work together and stay strong.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Not a Vacation
So it has been a few days since I have written. Sorry for the delay. I will pick up where I left off.
We reached Hawaii (in order to travel Rachael had to be sedated the entire trip. They were affraid of her waking up and hurting herself or someone else) and Rachael was taken from the plane straight to the hospital. She would spend two weeks in the mental health ward. While there, I was able to visit her daily, but really not much of a visit as there was a lot of therapy to discuss. She was drugged up pretty good and was a little confused at why she was there. Meanwhile, I was going to the library trying to find some answers on what was going on, why was all this happening? I did not go to the beach or do anything fun while in Hawaii. I would have felt extremely guilty for having fun while she was in the hospital. The doctors were saying that she had some issues but didn't know exactly what yet. I had found some things about chemical imbalance. (basically the body lacks the capability to produce serotonin or the "happy" hormone that keeps your moods and thoughts level and good) The doctors said there was no such thing. Now, in the 90's there wasn't alot of information on this tpye of condition as I said before so trying to get the Doctor's to even concider it was like pulling teeth. I mean who am I? Not a doctor that's for sure. I was just some 19-20 year old trying to figure things out.. About a week into being at the hospital, Rachael had convinced the doctors to let her out for a couple days. Rachael (if i remember right) didn't even make it out of the elevator. When we got in the elevator we stopped on another floor to let someone in and Rachael "freaked out". She thought that person knew why she was there and was judging her. Also as I found out later, she was afraid of going out into the real world. She ended up going right back into the phyciatric ward. Whatever was going on that she thought was fixed was far from it. As she was getting more help I was doing more research. At the same time I was finalizing where my next duty station would be. We already knew where we were going we just had to get all the final paperwork finished so we could move to the Tacoma area.
One of the hardest things that I have had to do is stand by and not be able to help my wife. Even though I was/am not a doctor I knew through research that I was on the right track of figuring out what could be wrong. Now it was just a matter of getting that info to the Doctors. That was no easy task. I am not really sure I was able to "convince" them until a couple years later.
As I have gone through all these years wondering what I could have done differently and there always is at least on thing. Well this is no exception to that rule. I have gone many years just "dealing with it" and "making it work". That is no way to deal with this kind of problem. Your spouse or family member needs you. They need you strong. I did not know then how important it would be. You NEED to be strong for your family. To do that you will need to take care of yourself. I am not saying to go out and party but take time for yourself. I should have went to the beach. I should have gotten into that bath like water and just gathered myself. I should have sat on the sand or in the grass under the trees that was a few feet from the sand and just relaxed. This would have done two things...it would have calmed me and would have allowed me to gather some thoughts. It actually would have done a lot more but you get where I'm going with this. You have to do something for you. You may not think you need to at the time or you may think it's unfair to the loved one, hell that is how I felt. Get those thoughts out of your mind. When you are at your best is when you can help them the most. There is another part to this. With some mental illnesses the "patient" may try to be mean to you or make you feel like crap for doing something for yourself. Don't take that personally. This is a normal trait for some illnesses. You will have to ride the wave and do your very best not to feel guilty. Ride the wave until it smooth's out. In the end it is for their wellbeing just as much as it is yours. Now you know your loved one better than I do, so when you break the news to them that you went to the beach (or whatever it is that you are doing to regroup) do it in a way that will have the least amount backlash. Maybe even try talking to them first so they know that you need time to gather yourself. This is one of the hardest most difficult things to go through. Do not however go get drunk. Alcohol is a downer, you may feel good at the time but it will only make it harder for you to stay strong like you need to be. You might even convince yourself that you want to leave. Never do anything that will cloud your thoughts, clear them. Save the drinking for after the seas have calm down.
We reached Hawaii (in order to travel Rachael had to be sedated the entire trip. They were affraid of her waking up and hurting herself or someone else) and Rachael was taken from the plane straight to the hospital. She would spend two weeks in the mental health ward. While there, I was able to visit her daily, but really not much of a visit as there was a lot of therapy to discuss. She was drugged up pretty good and was a little confused at why she was there. Meanwhile, I was going to the library trying to find some answers on what was going on, why was all this happening? I did not go to the beach or do anything fun while in Hawaii. I would have felt extremely guilty for having fun while she was in the hospital. The doctors were saying that she had some issues but didn't know exactly what yet. I had found some things about chemical imbalance. (basically the body lacks the capability to produce serotonin or the "happy" hormone that keeps your moods and thoughts level and good) The doctors said there was no such thing. Now, in the 90's there wasn't alot of information on this tpye of condition as I said before so trying to get the Doctor's to even concider it was like pulling teeth. I mean who am I? Not a doctor that's for sure. I was just some 19-20 year old trying to figure things out.. About a week into being at the hospital, Rachael had convinced the doctors to let her out for a couple days. Rachael (if i remember right) didn't even make it out of the elevator. When we got in the elevator we stopped on another floor to let someone in and Rachael "freaked out". She thought that person knew why she was there and was judging her. Also as I found out later, she was afraid of going out into the real world. She ended up going right back into the phyciatric ward. Whatever was going on that she thought was fixed was far from it. As she was getting more help I was doing more research. At the same time I was finalizing where my next duty station would be. We already knew where we were going we just had to get all the final paperwork finished so we could move to the Tacoma area.
One of the hardest things that I have had to do is stand by and not be able to help my wife. Even though I was/am not a doctor I knew through research that I was on the right track of figuring out what could be wrong. Now it was just a matter of getting that info to the Doctors. That was no easy task. I am not really sure I was able to "convince" them until a couple years later.
As I have gone through all these years wondering what I could have done differently and there always is at least on thing. Well this is no exception to that rule. I have gone many years just "dealing with it" and "making it work". That is no way to deal with this kind of problem. Your spouse or family member needs you. They need you strong. I did not know then how important it would be. You NEED to be strong for your family. To do that you will need to take care of yourself. I am not saying to go out and party but take time for yourself. I should have went to the beach. I should have gotten into that bath like water and just gathered myself. I should have sat on the sand or in the grass under the trees that was a few feet from the sand and just relaxed. This would have done two things...it would have calmed me and would have allowed me to gather some thoughts. It actually would have done a lot more but you get where I'm going with this. You have to do something for you. You may not think you need to at the time or you may think it's unfair to the loved one, hell that is how I felt. Get those thoughts out of your mind. When you are at your best is when you can help them the most. There is another part to this. With some mental illnesses the "patient" may try to be mean to you or make you feel like crap for doing something for yourself. Don't take that personally. This is a normal trait for some illnesses. You will have to ride the wave and do your very best not to feel guilty. Ride the wave until it smooth's out. In the end it is for their wellbeing just as much as it is yours. Now you know your loved one better than I do, so when you break the news to them that you went to the beach (or whatever it is that you are doing to regroup) do it in a way that will have the least amount backlash. Maybe even try talking to them first so they know that you need time to gather yourself. This is one of the hardest most difficult things to go through. Do not however go get drunk. Alcohol is a downer, you may feel good at the time but it will only make it harder for you to stay strong like you need to be. You might even convince yourself that you want to leave. Never do anything that will cloud your thoughts, clear them. Save the drinking for after the seas have calm down.
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