Not a Vacation

So it has been a few days since I have written.  Sorry for the delay.  I will pick up where I left off.

     We reached Hawaii (in order to travel Rachael had to be sedated the entire trip.  They were affraid of her waking up and hurting herself or someone else) and Rachael was taken from the plane straight to the hospital.  She would spend two weeks in the mental health ward.  While there, I was able to visit her daily, but really not much of a visit as there was a lot of therapy to discuss.  She was drugged up pretty good and was a little confused at why she was there.  Meanwhile, I was going to the library trying to find some answers on what was going on, why was all this happening?  I did not go to the beach or do anything fun while in Hawaii.  I would have felt extremely guilty for having fun while she was in the hospital.  The doctors were saying that she had some issues but didn't know exactly what yet.  I had found some things about chemical imbalance. (basically the body lacks the capability to produce serotonin or the "happy" hormone that keeps your moods and thoughts level and good) The doctors said there was no such thing.  Now, in the 90's there wasn't alot of information on this tpye of condition as I said before so trying to get the Doctor's to even concider it was like pulling teeth.  I mean who am I?  Not a doctor that's for sure.  I was just some 19-20 year old trying to figure things out..  About a week into being at the hospital, Rachael had convinced the doctors to let her out for a couple days.  Rachael (if i remember right) didn't even make it out of the elevator.  When we got in the elevator we stopped on another floor to let someone in and Rachael "freaked out".  She thought that person knew why she was there and was judging her.  Also as I found out later, she was afraid of going out into the real world. She ended up going right back into the phyciatric ward.  Whatever was going on that she thought was fixed was far from it.  As she was getting more help I was doing more research.  At the same time I was finalizing where my next duty station would be.  We already knew where we were going we just had to get all the final paperwork finished so we could move to the Tacoma area.


     One of the hardest things that I have had to do is stand by and not be able to help my wife.  Even though I was/am not a doctor I knew through research that I was on the right track of figuring out what could be wrong.  Now it was just a matter of getting that info to the Doctors.  That was no easy task.  I am not really sure I was able to "convince" them until a couple years later.


     As I have gone through all these years wondering what I could have done differently and there always is at least on thing.  Well this is no exception to that rule.  I have gone many years just "dealing with it"  and "making it work".  That is no way to deal with this kind of problem.  Your spouse or family member needs you.  They need you strong.  I did not know then how important it would be.  You NEED to be strong for your family.  To do that you will need to take care of yourself.  I am not saying to go out and party but take time for yourself.  I should have went to the beach.  I should have gotten into that bath like water and just gathered myself. I should have sat on the sand or in the grass under the trees that was a few feet from the sand and just relaxed.  This would have done two things...it would have calmed me and would have allowed me to gather some thoughts. It actually would have done a lot more but you get where I'm going with this.  You have to do something for you.  You may not think you need to at the time or you may think it's unfair to the loved one, hell that is how I felt. Get those thoughts out of your mind.  When you are at your best is when you can help them the most.  There is another part to this.  With some mental illnesses the "patient"  may try to be mean to you or make you feel like crap for doing something for yourself.  Don't take that personally.  This is a normal trait for some illnesses.  You will have to ride the wave and do your very best not to feel guilty.  Ride the wave until it smooth's out.  In the end it is for their wellbeing just as much as it is yours.  Now you know your loved one better than I do, so when you break the news to them that you went to the beach (or whatever it is that you are doing to regroup)  do it in a way that will have the least amount backlash.  Maybe even try talking to them first so they know that you need time to gather yourself.  This is one of the hardest most difficult things to go through.  Do not however go get drunk.  Alcohol is a downer,  you may feel good at the time but it will only make it harder for you to stay strong like you need to be.  You might even convince yourself that you want to leave.  Never do anything that will cloud your thoughts, clear them.  Save the drinking for after the seas have calm down.